Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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