It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
