I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
