I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
