oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What drink are we having for lunch?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
