Swine flu. Run for my life!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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