I cut my penus on the lid.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
