I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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