Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
