I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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