Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
