worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she told me i tasted like america
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
