I wanna bring you to show and tell
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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