so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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