Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
