Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
