she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
