I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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