fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Woke up backwards on a recliner
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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