I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
