I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
