Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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