Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
