so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
