Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
