My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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