a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
