I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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