She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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