Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
