I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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