My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
