drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
