1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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