My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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