Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
