i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
