Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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