I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
