dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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