Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
