I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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