Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
