how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
