Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
