I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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