Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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