some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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