batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
