You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My liver just broke up with me...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
