I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
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