I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The ass gains better be worth it
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