Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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