i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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